Birthdays and Death Anniversaries

I refilled the helium balloons I bought for Julius at Christmas time. Shark and Santa Claus popped early on, Dolphin and Turtle were completely deflated and my favorite Fishy was the only survivor barely hanging on as he started drooping midair. Deflated helium balloons are pretty depressing as are so many items that were left lying around the house after Julius died. His favorite ball dusty under the TV console, a plush whale I hold in bed with me each night, medical supplies that make me cringe each time I open my closet and his special closet full of clothes, books and baby products in cute yellow packaging are all unsettling reminders of the adorable child who no longer needs them. 

 

Since I fill helium balloons on a regular basis at the flower shop where I work I finally got the motivation to bring Fishy, Turtle and Dolphin in and see if I could breathe new life into them. It was no small task as the large balloons were only mostly deflated and I generally ride the bus to work. I managed to get the unwieldy things back home in one piece despite the winds attempt to destroy them as I tried to carry them home. 

 Today is Julius's 9 month birthday and it has been just over 2 months since he took his last breath in our bed. Julius was nearly 7 months old. In his final moments, my husband and I tried to cheerfully sing Happy Birthday to him while choking back our tears. It was his favorite song and we wanted him to know how very much we loved him as we said our final good byes.  I find these birthdays and death anniversaries to be very painful and I've been trying to find ways to make them a bit more bare able. Embracing things that Julius loved such as songs, toys, using his nickname often and saying good night to him everyday when the sunsets helps me stay spiritually connected to him. 

So today Julius would have been nine months old and I am thinking of ways that I can honor him and make this a special day. I have the balloons fully inflated they look as fresh as the day they were delivered, I have three cupcakes with candles and just by chance a friend sent a beautiful bouquet of sunny flowers that arrived today. Tonight we will sing Happy Birthday to Julius as the sunsets.