I've got so much on my mind it is hard to even know where to begin. I've finally been able to touch base with each of you by phone and I am so grateful to each of you for continuing to reach out to me despite my distance. It has been very hard for me to call. It is hard for me to pull myself out of my little bubble and 'be' with anyone right now even though my instincts tell me that what I am avoiding is in fact what I most need—Connection.
The distance I feel out here in Hawaii is significant and challenging. It feels strange and alienating that we did not have a memorial service for Julius. It feels wrong. Empty.
We have been swirling in our little bubble of function and survival. Get up, brush teeth, have tea, work, missing Julius, missing Julius, missing Julius- we are trying to find meaning in life again. During the day, out in the world with other people it seems easier to go through the motions of life but at night we often cry ourselves to sleep. We are getting by and sometimes we are even really enjoying life again. I enjoy my job at the flower shop and it gives me a healthy sense of purpose. I worked 96 hours in two weeks during Valentines and now I am down to part time 2 days per wk (a much better balance for me right now). I enjoy doing large funeral arrangements for other grieving families and twice now I created a small heart shaped floral piece that was going into a child's casket. I take special pride in knowing that my work may give comfort to other grief stricken families and I am grateful that I have the strength to do this work. I do realize that this is not normal. Not many grieving mothers would go out and get a job she has not worked in for over 10 years 3 weeks after she lost a child but for me somehow this seemed right and I do think it has benefited me greatly to get out of the house and back into the world in a meaningful way. It gives me a sense of purpose and confidence that I forgotten was important and I still LOVE flowers so that is great.
We have recently been able to go out with coworkers for dinner and drinks, we've been hiking on weekends and jogging in the evenings. We are trying to stay focused on getting our health back but it is very hard as emotional exhaustion gets in the way. Enjoying these things feels strange. Spending the night watching TV or even most of a day off on the sofa often wins out.
Things that are hard.
- I have not spoken with either of my brothers since my son died.
- The helium balloons we got for Julius for Christmas are nearly deflated.
- There is a ball that Julius used to play with under our TV console. I can't bare to pick it up.
- I have a beautiful hand knit sweater that Julius never got to wear. It is one of the favorite things that he received I was so looking forward to seeing him in it. What do I do with it now?
- Add to this category: a never worn knit cap, so many sweet toys, books, and stuffed animals (at least he got to play with these), medical equipment such as tubes and feeding bags are cluttering my closet- I cringe every time I open it, so many baby clothes and blankets that suddenly seem so tiny.
- At home in New Jersey I have set of stunning little silver boxes engraved with Julius name and birth date on them. One is for a lock of hair, one, is for his first teeth. I couldn't bare to cut a lock of his hair when he died. I brought scissors to the mortuary for this purpose but it just did not feel right. Some of his baby teeth are there among the dust of his cremated remains and I have touched them and pulled a few aside, however, it just isn't at all the same. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill those boxes.
- Nothing smells like Julius. I saved the blanket and outfit he was wearing the morning he died in hopes that it would smell like him. It doesn't.
- Our bed is very empty and lonely. We are together but we are alone.
- Sadness is a very solitary experience. It is hard to share.
- Julius never wore shoes. This make me so sad because baby shoe are so sweet I'd imagined getting him some really cool little shoes and he just never needed them since he never even put his feet down. Tragic.
- I never got those new born portraits done. I wanted to. I meant to I even looked up photographers but it got shuffled away in the chaos.
Things that make me Happy.
- Saying good night to Julius every night when the sunsets.
- Talking to his big framed picture. Telling him I miss him. saying good morning ect..
- Looking at videos of him. I did take a lot.
- Cleaning and reorganizing his little temple area. I have his cremated remains, photos, little gifts that people have sent me and his favorite toy on a shelf in our living room.
- Talking about Julius. I love to talk about him, show people his pictures and hear his name.
- Getting cards and letters in the mail.
- Starting the process of sending thank you notes.
- Painting. I love my new class called the Power of Suggestion.
- Hearing from my girls friends— texts, phone, calls -emails I love being in the loop. Keep telling me about your world. I love to know whats going on. Yes- sharing all the fun and lite stuff is good keep it coming.
Ok. That's all for now. It felt good to write this, to share and let you all know about my world. It is hard to write it out but it feels good at the same time. Keep telling me about your world too. I am eager to know about how everything is going, your highs and lows, big accomplishments and hard days. Bring it on.
Much love,
Denise
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